T-Shirts at Glastonbury – the Rules


Post by: David
First year at Camp Triangle:

  • Monday 27 Mar 2017 (7 years ago )

DISCLAIMER - First off, I need to point out that, if you’ve been to Glastonbury (or any other festival) and you’re easily offended, don’t bother reading further as you’re almost certainly going to have breached these CAST IRON rules and will, therefore, feel massively dissed by the contents.

So - festival clobber – we’ve all seen the horror-shows ballooning around the festival site, wearing clothes that would get them barred from their local, if they dared go in the same attire. I don’t mean the guys and gals that are properly festooned in fancy dress, from fairies, complete with wings and wands, through to groups of pissed-up superheroes falling around the Pyramid field at 3:00pm. No, I’m talking about the weekend ravers, the part-time hippies, spotted from miles away with their newly-bought jester hats and Mongolian ponchos, cheesecloth shirts and flowery wellies.

But the worst off the lot are the blokes (and it is usually blokes) with their ‘statement’ t-shirts. Here are the worst types:

  1. This year’s festival T-shirt. Why? Just, why? We KNOW you're here, we can see you. Did you not pack enough clothes to last the weekend, you useless get. Bad, but not as bad as…
  2. Previous year’s festival T-shirt. “Ooh, aren’t I great, I came last year too”, shout some, but nowhere near as tragic as the old gits with their 1983 shirt – whatever you do, don’t engage these people in conversation, unless you want to hear about how great and ‘real’ the festival was before the likes of you latched on. Of course there are elements of the festival that were better before the super-fence, but anyone claiming that the Glasto as a whole is not as good as then is just being a tit. And speaking of tits…
  3. Band t-shirts worn when watching the same band. The fact that you’ve been hanging round the front of the Pyramid stage since tea time, suffering through the reformed Sugarbabes, Will IAM and Craig David, all without going for a piss, just to get a decent spot for Foo Fighters, is proof enough. We get it, you fucking LOVE Foo Fighters, you don’t need the t-shirt to vouch for yourself, matey. Having said that, advertising yourself as a band superfan is nowhere near as bad as telling the world about how much you like drugs…
  4. The drug t-shirt. Coke, MDMA, booze and, most often, cannabis references on t-shirts. Again, we can see that you’re off your tits, it’s clear, so why make it even more obvious? The fact is that drug-taking is no longer the sign of being part of the counter-culture that it once was – let’s face it, every fucker is at it, particularly at Glastonbury (apart from me, anyone I know and all the good folks at CT, obv.). So, kids, if you’re ever tempted to buy a shirt with a cartoonish image of Bob Marley smoking a foot-long spliff, or a ADIHASH t-shirt, JUST SAY NO. Which leads us to the very worst festival t-shirt, the one that should never be worn by anyone, anywhere…
  5. The I LOVE MY WIFE shirt. I genuinely can’t think of a scenario where it is acceptable to wear this monstrosity. Let’s look at the options:
    1. You’re with your wife. Is she so insecure that you need to wear it in her company? Just tell her FFS. Tell her a lot.
    2. You’re here without your wife and she forced you to wear it. If she trusts you so little, either stop behaving like a dick or get divorced. Now. Either way, put it on, get a couple of photos taken, then get changed into a Dave Mac (from Bath)-approved shirt for the rest of the weekend
    3. You’re here without you wife and you are choosing to wear it. Why? To deter all the women queueing up to shag you? Best not try and buy that Heizenberg trilby, pal – there’s no chance of finding one to fit on your massive bonce

Of course, there is one rule that overrides all of the above – DO WHAT YOU LIKE, AS LONG AS YOU STAY SAFE, AND DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU HOW TO DRESS OR BEHAVE.

Oh, and always use the toilets – LOVE THE FARM.